Today I struggled without you.
Today I tried to distract myself with the computer and the television in order not to think about you. I only found songs that made me think about you. I only found people who made me dream of your face.
Tonight I went to a movie, and in the dark I was alone in a sea of people. I had people I love with me, I was not without, so there is no need to worry. There were people to hold The Kid and everyone laughed when he giggled at an ironic moment. They take care of me, and let me rest my head upon their shoulders. But I was without you, and that was enough to make me feel somehow lacking. I imagined I had you there with me, to smell your cologne as I kissed the skin at the crook of your neck. I dreamed you were there holding me, kissing me, and making it hard to concentrate on the movie. In my mind I was with you and everyone was jealous, because you had me and I had you. And we were perfect in our love. I have never been prone to feelings of self-importance, but in that moment I did. I dreamed of glimpsing you in the dark, warm cave of the theatre as you sat focused. I imagined catching your eye and sitting tall, making you stare without a word.
In my mind: Today I woke to your face, silently devoid of expression as you slept. I pushed back your hair and spooned in beside you. I caught your hand in the hall, and you looked into my eyes and saw forever there. I treasure the moments when I catch your eye. We put The Kid to sleep for a nap, his soft snore muffled behind wooden doors, and retreated to the living room. I laid in your arms. We drank hot tea and ate a few of the “too-many” cookies. You played with my hair, I read aloud, contemplating a particularly complex novel. I fell asleep and woke to your smile. There was nothing else to do for the day except bask in your love. We captured the night, sitting in the grass outside the house and looking at the lights, both heavenly and earth-bound. We talked about outer space, God, and light sabers. I laughed, you laughed at my hilarity. I couldn’t stop smiling.
But I woke from my reverie. You were gone.
My days are named. They are Lonliness. I feel silly in feeling that, but it is my truth. I think of you often, and miss you. Too often, perhaps, for someone I do not yet know. That is my curse, to feel like the last of a breed composed of two people. I feel like half my skin is missing.The burn of the air against my seared flesh when I wake is enough to have me wanting to never leave my warm sheets. And yet, I am a contradiction. A fallacy. How am I alive? So composed without you? How do I smile, knowing you are far away? For you could only be far away to not be with me now. How am I living, just half of a person? Half of a heart? I live the day-to-day. I whisper your unspoken name in every breath. I am lost without you.
Why aren’t you here yet? Why haven’t you come? How late is your train?
What will I be saying when you come?
*How could you come now? With me no longer a spring maiden? No longer in my youth, no longer with light-brightened futures? You have finally come, but what have I be-come?*
Will there be tears? Of course. Will there be joy? Always. Will there be pain? Not anymore.
I am warned in the moments I am living. My heart warns me. It warns me of change, good or bad, having its consequence. Warns me that there is a toll to pay. I know about Missing. I know what it costs to be happy. I know what it costs to get what you want, you must lose something partly in order to gain something else. It will not always be this way. My parents may not always be there, to watch The Kid grow every day and night, or lounge on the couch with me in the late hours. Though she is not the same, my grandmother may not always be around and I will miss her laugh. My brother may grow and have a family of his own in his future, as he should, and small intricacies such as space may separate us. My sisters will have families of their own, and I will be there but it may never be as it is now. I could end up alone tomorrow, incomplete without my family there to give me guidance and love. They are my glue with the world, with myself. They ARE my world. And we may piss on each other’s hearts sometimes, but we love each other. We’re bonded. And I love them more than anything on this planet.
I am lucky. I know this. And the fact of the delicacy of my existence makes my stomach knot and my skin sweat. I couldn’t bear to lose them. I don’t want to and I will work harder to make it known that I don’t take them for granted. For, I love them.
I will work to do better, in everything. I want you to be proud of me. I want you to see the strong woman I am. I want you to see me. SEE me.
Still, I long for you. Long for your embrace. Long for your love.
What is this obsession we humans have with love? Something sends us out into the world to find meaning, to find someone to love and accept us. A different, special type of love. An un-named emotion, perhaps? A fear? No, never fear. But, what then? What in our growing creates this chasm? This hole to be filled by one? The One? We just don’t seem complete without it. We still experience joy, love, hope, hate, jealousy, truth, and any other emotion or pillar of our being. And they are real, very real. But we can’t stop looking for love. True love. We still ache and sense the empty space that has no location and no name..and yet, as Hope or Love, it is real.
I pray for you. I pray you grow. I pray you have the strength to grow and become what you are, perhaps, afraid to be. I pray you are happy, that you experience joy and love in all it’s fashions. I pray your heart does not become weary, that you do not fade. I pray you are healthy and strong. I pray you know truth when you see it. I pray the Father touches you in ways that are beautiful and let you know you aren’t alone. I pray you know I’m there. I pray you are on your way.
The same prayers I pray for me.
I miss you.